It's difficult to find a perfect space to just think, to relax, nowadays. It's a constant cacophony of raging sounds and voices trying to be heard over each other. Rising ever higher to the point where you don't know who's voice is who's. Or who's talking. It's at times like these that I just feel like I need to shut away the world. Find a way to stop the endless noise if even for a little moment of absolute silence. Some rare few moments have occurred where I was able to shut out almost full conversations, drawing away in my sketchbook, and emerging from this glorious silence I created temporarily confused but with a finished sketch staring up at me. I can never remember how I do it, all I know is when I do it and where.
I have often been asked where I wander so aimlessly in those times. I find that it's actually fairly difficult to explain, and even I don't fully understand what goes on in my mind when I wander off from the world around me. It's almost as if I were somebody different, somebody new, walking around my mind. Looking at ideas as if I were not the one who either originally thought them up or the one who is currently thinking them up. Getting lost in worlds I have created partially for putting into words on paper, but mainly because I feel I need to get lost, to escape from the world around me and traverse far reaches into unknown lands of various colorings, walk across galaxies, fight great foes on a distant planet and then be back in time for supper.
In my mind I am many things. I am a very intelligent individual who can't be fooled by even the most cunning of tricksters. I am a small child just seeing the exciting world for the first time. I am an important member of an elite group of superheroes with the power to comfort those who are dying and scared, to let them know that they will be alright soon enough. I am a monkey swinging through the branches of a vast forest of the lushest, most glorious trees you had ever seen. I am soaring through the cosmos at the speed of light, soaring off through the constellations like a comet.
I am free.
Free to think about the most random thoughts. Like "What if narwhals came from a planet far from Earth in search for a habitable sea because theirs ran dry?" "What if I were a Flora Colossus like Groot and could grow the most lovely flowers to hand random people?" "What if there were no sickness in the world and no one killed anybody and there were no wars and the worst bit of fighting would be what to watch on the television or something like that?"
I get too lost.......
I start to think too much....
I start to think of things that are sometimes so dark and deep that I can't escape the pit of emotions I've randomly concocted. I wonder to myself if people are better off without me. If the world would go on without me. If anyone would miss me. If they even noticed me in the first place. These thoughts happen more often than I'd like to admit. They happen so suddenly too. I'd be thinking of swirling pink clouds in an endless golden sky then a random scenario pops into my head that makes me question everything that I am.
Then I remember.
I remember smiles that I have brought onto people's crying faces as I comfort them and let them know that they are important if not to the world then at least someone. Even though I feel sometimes that I am not important to anything.
I remember laughter that I have evoked by a witty remark. Even when I sometimes believe I sound like an idiot.
I remember pats on the back and warm handshakes for being kind to others. Even though I feel as if it was no great feat.
I remember comments on stories I have shared on social media sites and in my little hometown. I remember how they say that what they just read was remarkable, brilliant, well written, and beautiful. Even when I feel like I didn't do anything remarkable, brilliant, well written, or beautiful.
I come back to myself when I remember these things because they make me look at myself clearer. Without my skewed self evaluations. They make me see what those people see. They make me see that I can be something if I put my mind into it. They make me see that I do have a place and that I am appreciated for what I do. They free me from my roaring thoughts, worse than the noise I'm shutting out.
And I come back to myself.........
And it is quiet.